silent.dreams

aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh

2011-06-17T12:00:00.001+05:30

My life has become upside down ever since I have started working again. Unhappy at job, unhappy at home, I have no idea where my life is currently leading me to. Now all I feel is that whatever little dreams I had is now all in pieces. Why did I even spend my time dreaming? Just tired. All I want to do now is lie down and sleep through my troubles in my life.

The Rains are here!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-06-02T14:24:00.001+05:30

After a really long time, I got stuck in a sudden outpour. In a matter of seconds, I was dripping wet but I just loved it. It made me feel so happy...................
:)

I'm Back............

2011-06-02T12:56:00.000+05:30

Its being such a long time since i've stopped writing. Wish I could say I was enjoying my new life. Wish I could say I was too busy with my career. Wish I could say I was in short of time...

Life is full of dreams...
But it may be just dreams...

I know this doesn't sound good..but i have been suffering from writer's block.

2010-09-16T14:11:00.003+05:30

'the struggle of man against power is the struggle of memory against forgetting'.

2010-09-16T14:08:00.000+05:30

"Laughter?
Do people ever care about laughter?
I mean real laughter, beyond joking, mokery, ridicule.
Laughter, an immense and delicious sensula pleasure, wholly sensual pleasure."

- Milan Kundera (i think)!!

Memories of my train journeys

2010-09-16T14:04:00.001+05:30

One of the best things I looked forward to was my fortnight visit home – a 5 hour night journey across the district from Ernakulam to Calicut.
One could enjoy the journey all alone with your book and mobile for company, or with a friend.
A friend, a college mate was one such friend. Initially, bus mates, we later ended up as train colleagues.
Our journey used to start with a visit to ‘Bread World’, which used to be a food chain in the Ernakulam railway station. Following which, we would rush off to the train looking for possible sleeper seats. (We cannot book these tickets beforehand and the only way to get into the compartment was to get the tickets converted by the TTE).
Once settled, we would ravage through our food, looking out at the night life of the city. We start chatting about books, work, old friends etc. Once we are done with food, we start looking for coffee. The best part about the coffee was that we never get it when we want one. Or else, coffee vendors seem to be running around selling their wares. Out of 5 times, we never get coffee for around 4 times.
She was the one who inspired me to start off blogging.
The next part came when we spend our time waiting for the TTE to come and get our tickets converted. We usually do get good seats most of the time, but we’ve still had our share of adventures.
Once, we ended up sitting on the topmost berth. This is uncomfortable considering it was only a five hour journey. The outrageous part was that we ended up paying (or bribing) for two seats instead of one. Another time, we ended up shifting from one coach to another, finally ending up at a TTE’s seat. Mr. TTE spends his time flirting trying to convince us that he had forgone his seat for us LADIES!
Once her marriage was fixed, all we discussed was the upcoming marriage plans. It was one of our last journeys together. I was introduced to her husband as ‘my train mate’, a companionship which ran along for a good two years.
Happily settled, the last time we met on the train was when I was going back to Ernakulam. She told me she had quit her job and hence there won’t be any more rendezvous in OKHA Express.
I then travelled most of the time all alone after this. Often my cousin accompanied me, but it was not much of a fun. Then I started calling up people when I was travelling, but it was never fun. During the final stages, I had my roommate for company. That was a relief considering that I was no longer alone.
Travelling alone can be fun but sometimes it does get on to your nerves. After some time the only option in such a journey is go to sleep. But when alone, I was too afraid to sleep. Books are also OK as long as you have the lights. Music was also OK but I got fed up of the songs too fast.
I also got to meet a lot of people in trains. Talking to each one of them was an experience in itself. I even had a lady for company who was the sister of a prospective groom. We met when she came to see me for her brother. Though things didn’t work out, it was fun talking to her.
After my marriage was fixed, I did feel bad when my fiancée didn’t call me when I was travelling. He felt that the connection will not be good and will be broken. But again it was on a train, when he first started calling me ‘dear’. It’s nothing great but I was over the moon that day.
It’s nearly six months since I have travelled in a train. My journeys are now by our car. But I have started missing those journeys. The journeys with the feel of independence, the excitement of the train starting, the nightlife of the cities, the frustration of the train being stuck up, the anxiety over the train tickets. It was fun.

Cling On’s

2010-09-16T14:03:00.000+05:30

A friend of mine introduced me to this word with the statement. –‘I don’t want to cling on to anybody for anything’.
It was then I realised how much I depended on others for the very simplest of reasons – living life on your own. You still ended up living dependent on your friends, colleagues, neighbours, what not!
What if you don’t have anyone to cling onto? Imagine that your day revolves around you from home to your place of work.
You end up being really alone from waking up, dressing up, cooking up one’s own breakfast and travelling to our next phase of life – our work place. At work space, we cling on to our team, our colleagues, our clients and what not.
What about our emotional needs? Can we live without burdening ourselves on to someone?
I have been trying to detach myself from clinging on to someone just to be independent. I thought I don’t have to answer any one for my actions. But it is of no use.
We either have someone clinging on to us or us clinging on to someone. And just because we cling on to someone, does it means that we are not independent. I don’t know.
Maybe, you need to be absolutely confident or have no confidence at all on anyone so that you do not have to cling on to someone. My husband sure is one such person I guess.

FINALLY MARRIED....

2010-06-18T15:33:00.001+05:30

It’s now official.....I am finally married to this wonderful guy (hope I can maintain this until the end of my life.)...
However happy I might be now, please do take this as a warning......if you want to get married, avoid hosting it and projecting it as the only event of your life. Even though it is the only event of your life, try to make things as minimalistic as possible. As much as I loved marrying my husband, the torture behind the scenes was unbearable.
From the place where i come, as soon as girls are born, parents’ start dreaming (or having nightmares as some say) about their girls wedding. I know this sounds funny, but do trust me, there are people who dreamt of the marriage and farewell of their 6 WEEK OLD BABY GIRL.
Well, farewells apart, I am now a part of the new house, where I do seem to go along well. Fingers crossed again...
Mrs. Mili Rejath............. 

My pre-marital days

2010-04-11T19:47:00.000+05:30

Well, life after your engagement is turning out to be quite hillarious..

it is amazing how your life starts changing once you get committed. It is even amazing that even though you might be scared of the future ahead, we are quite thrilled to be a part of it.

Now life depends on when my fiance is going to call me. Every moment of my life now revolves around what he does. Its funny considering i have never thought about compromising my time for any one else. But now, its mobile all the time. Wherever i go, i'm mobile. There was a time when i didnt care where my mobile was but now i'm scared if i miss a call or a message. There was a time when i spend more time for myself like taking a bath or listening to a song or call up my best friend.

Now,

i just dont have the time for all that. My fiance is about to call.

I never understood by what people mean by bride's blush. I have seen it on so many faces but never understood why it comes on. Now i get it. Its the inner feeling of being happy and belonging to someone (or maybe we finally get a person to dictate our terms).

Office is now more fun considering people are there to pull your leg every little smile you give. My essay writing (what they mean by is SMSing), not botheirng about my projects, quicker and smaller lunch breaks (sometimes just the opposite), comments by my colleagues, happiness in letting my clients know that i'm leaving just add on to the fun.

This might be all fun, but one small word for my fiance. I'm enjoying my life now and hope i'll enjoy it for the rest of it. But i can never guarantee that you are going to enjoy your future. ;)
And by the way if you are reading this, i am dedicating this to you. I'll follow up with my remaining blogs on my expectations and demands on how my life ought to be. :P

A new path...

2010-03-13T23:29:00.000+05:30

I am finally getting married.

In some ways its a relief to escape to the monotonous life of living alone with a career. In other ways, its really scary to start off a new life with someone you know very little about. It is scary to think of a new life...all alone, completely independent.

I really don't know how far I am going to go. The kind of loneliness which I have been fighting so hard feels like coming back to me. Just saying...its only you from here...we will not be there for you.

The subtle ways of bringing it out. Leaving a place which has been a part of you for 4 years. Friends, career, places, moments, past are all rushing back to you saying best of luck. But slowly walking away from me. The before past is coming back to me with its own sense of independence shocking me. Liners like 'I guess we might never meet up', 'oh! So u r leaving?' just concretes up my fear.

But should I need to fear? Very few people have been there for me for such a long time. Then will it make a difference?

What will I end up to be? Who will I end up to be? I don't know.

All I know for sure, I can't turn back anymore to anyone or anything. My only question is 'why?'

The year 2009

2009-12-13T00:11:00.000+05:30

This might be a bit to early to look onto my life during 2009 but I myself never know when will i next post my blog...
As said earlier, the year 2008 was pretty bad. But the year 2009 was pretty much better.

Work was nothing great. it just went on as usual and boring it can get. The good part of it ws that two of my first projects got over with a bang. And the best part of it is that we are shifting our office into one of those apartments. it did bring a lot of satisfaction in finally completing the projects. Three of others are also due for completion.

As for where i stay, I finally moved out of my dorm where i was a resident for nearly 3 years. I just could not stand it anymore. It was time to change. Looking back I do feel that it was the right decision and I do say it without a sigh of regret. My new roomies...well, i get to sit alone whenever i feel like and enjoy a few wrestling bouts with them. i am supposedly "Kairali TMT steel bars".

Another best part is that even though i wrote very less this year, the amount of books i red was tremendous. My life was so boring that only books could fill it. I got to read through a lot of authors and all kinds of books. Movies were prominent this year.

As for friends, marriages did still get them out of my life but motherhood was even prominent. One of my really good friend had a bad year by losing three kids. An ex roommmate/ friend has given birth to a baby girl, she's the first amongst us.

Relationships and commitment is an issue which has eaten me up this year. all i know that is i am too scared to commit to even to a level of friendship. is it because i can never be a good friend, a good partner? I was unfortunate to realise that my best friend, very unfortunately the opposite sex, was interested in taking it to a life time commitment of matrimony.

All i can now do is hurt him (I just hate doing this) as much as i can so that it will not be difficult for him when i have to leave him.

It was such a decision which made me lose the need of a friend and now, I just dont need a friend ever again.

This year I have also learnt how to stand for yourself when someone tries to bring you down. No hard feelings, but it is time to take up my life for my self.

Another year is hence going by....softly and silently.....without creating much of a ripple in my life this year...

Is it good or bad????

Whatever it is..life will have to go along..

Broken resolutions.......

2009-12-12T23:00:00.000+05:30

Another year will be over in a few weeks time....
Another resolution broken....
It was last year when ihad deceide to go full time with my blog posts. as luck would have it, it is nearly a year since i have even posted one....
i guess there is no use maintaining resolutions when you cant keep it or atleast try to keep it.
all i can say is 'i will try"
Like the old saying " Try, Try and Try again"

2009-03-15T09:21:00.000+05:30

three months past new year....lotz of paper...but not a single word in here......

my 2008....

2008-12-27T22:44:00.000+05:30

The year is finally going to end……2009 is just around the corner and will usher in to our lives in less than a week or so….

I am happy and at the same time keeping my fingers crossed. 2008 was not a very good year; it is not that I was sad but concerned with my string of bad fortunes. My fingers are crossed in the hope that 2009 will at least give me some peace of calm and mind.

To start with 2008, the start was pretty much decent. My projects were being put on to execution stage. But this slowly started to change. Even though my initial projects started off, my newer projects started to drag through or by some kind of bad luck, stopped all together. Then my older projects started getting into more troubles, silly issues made hell in office. By this year I came to be known as the ‘Architect of Dead Projects’. What was more unbearable was that I came to be jobless in office and absolutely ended screwing up my projects.

I still wonder why I did not resign from office in spite of pay and ego problems. Maybe I should start thinking about it more seriously.

On the personal front, I lost too many people to marriages. A lot of my colleagues and friends got married. My best train mate, my classmates, my hostel mates were all lucky to settle down. I am still waiting but I am patient.

As for my class mates, the same old story, but I guess some kind of sense has come into me about ignoring them as much I can. That is because I seriously don’t need to care about them anymore.

Friends…this year has taught me many lessons about how a man can try to cheat you, and how people can destroy you if you are not careful. I learned it in my office trip. I also learned that everyone loves a rumour and will not care how it can destroy you. Selfishness and loneliness is another aspect to which I have gone through this year and man, it can destroy you to the core.

In spite of all this I ended up making a best friend this year. And in the string of bad lucks, I am lucky to have a shoulder to cry on….what would I have done without you.

Looking on the positive side, I managed to start a blog, though I don’t use it too often. I also tried writing a story, though it didn’t work out. Hopefully I can clear out the cow webs and try out new passions and interests. I got to read a lot and watch even more movies. For a movie buff like me, this was the best time I have ever had.

Hoping and praying for my bad luck and misfortunes to end next year, and hoping to be happy and start enjoying life and this time I mean it.

True Fairy tales…..

2008-09-11T22:46:00.000+05:30

Finally it was the day they got married. They had been in love for the past 6 six years to be exact. Only now, it felt that they did marry early.

Their love story was a comedy of all sorts. Both of them were my class mates. It all started with an innocent statement by a fellow classmate to Him, ‘I think she loves you’. She had in fact stated it as ‘What’s wrong with him, he does look good to me’. (He does have a cute smile and dimple to go with it)

All the misunderstandings were cleared within days, but then a deeper understanding came into effect as a result. She started liking him, or more precisely loved everything he was and he did.

She confessed and finally, on a September, they decided to have a go with the relationship.

They had their shares of love, fights, tears, and what not.

One of their first fights bought us, the fellow classmates, into a lot of stress. I don’t remember for what it was, but we were all in the city (for an exhibition) planning to go to the hostel before 7pm (our closing time). I was on my way back home. ‘She’ was upset and was crying in the bus. Suddenly ‘She’ stops the bus and gets down. The bus starts off before we could react. We were under the consolation that He was there.

Hours later, I get a phone. She has not yet reached the hostel. The time is 8 pm. This was an age when mobiles were actually not out, all of us mad in trying to contact her. Finally after 9, ‘She’ calls me up to ask if she could stay over at night. Finally by 10, both of them lands up at my place, with another fellow mate. Mom was definitely furious, but she got the wind of it.

And for her first birthday, ‘He’ calls me up for a favour. I have to get her dress stolen from room. And we managed to get it out of the hostel. His present was a beautiful salwar, a pair of silver earrings and a ring, which she had not removed until he slipped in the engagement ring instead.

But the best part of this couple was that they as a couple ensured that we were a part of their life too. Their companionship never affected our friendship. It never got in way of others and instead it helped us to be together. In a class where ego often played a major role, they were a pair on whom we can depend and trust.

And when he tied the mangalsuthra on her, most of us were literally clapping and whistling, too happy for them. Another happy beginning to the wedded couple.

Wishing you guys a very happy married life………………..

the reunion.....again......

2008-07-26T23:03:00.001+05:30

There were times when I used to dream about our 12th reunion. Sitting in the class, slightly lonely in the class, I used to think of the day when I will come back to this school and show them how happy my life has become once I was out of school.

I would finish off my studies and follow on with my dreams. I would be so successful that I would become a household name. In spite of all my busy schedules, I would make it for the reunion. All of my classmates would be green with envy of what I have become.

This was the flashback, 7 years ago, a time when I literally had no one to talk to. Though the situation did improve in a few weeks time, the school was a definite turning point in my life. Though it does seem childish now (I was actually 18), life was tough when you are alone. Imagine being in a class of around 100, and nobody realizes that you have been in the class for past one month. A fellow actually asked me why I have not been in the class for past one month. They actually remembered me only during math classes (I was pretty good at it at that time).

So after 7 years, when I came across the reunion program (don’t kill me for this), I just refused to respond to it. Finally when the organizers started to call me up, I could not keep it away. I continued to hope that I could just put it away on one pretext or the other.

But I could not just put it away. Finally on a damp Saturday morning, I stopped over my old school. I was not the person, I dreamt to be. I was the same girl, still working and surviving with the same tension of how people would accept me. I was not the super successful girl with a career, people would envy about.

But I guess that I was not the only one who felt the same. Out of 100, a meager 20 only turned out. But this was also good, considering that none of us kept in touch with each other. It was very simple, chatting about the 7 years away from school. Nothing special. Absolutely nothing.

Sitting in the same class, all I could wonder was, from where, I had turned away from my dreams.

Dreams...dreams and dreams

2008-07-12T22:35:00.002+05:30

Silent dreams.....

My colleagues often wonder where i get lost in midst of a serious discussion. they turn around and almost always find me day dreaming.

I do dream a lot...and my dreams are what i would love to write in here....they will be just dreams and continue to be so...

dreams nobody can hear and for which i can just hope for.....

My silent dreams....

a peek into the past

2008-07-12T22:28:00.000+05:30

7 years after leaving school, with dreams, hopes and aspirations, I finally turned back to school.....how was it... i still cant react.....people change and like a fellow classmate said, attitudes change.....it does but i still dont know how to react to it....or in better words....i no longer care.....why is that ????

Friends.....

2008-05-30T13:56:00.000+05:30

I have still not got over the fact that friendship can be such a strong and a beautiful relationship.

I am talking about a class of an engineering college. Hope they will not mind this blog, this is sort of a tribute to them and the bond between them.

A class of 28. Years after passing out, 25/28 got together for a wedding of their fellow classmate. How many of our classmates actually make it to our fellow classmates wedding? I recently attended the marriage of our classmate (first from our class). The attendance was 6/24. Maybe, we can say that all of us are from different states and countries.

But so were these guys. All from different parts of the country and states. The remaining three did not come for very valid reasons and that too they kept on calling up to inquire during the course of the wedding.

And this bond is just not only for weddings. They come together as frequently as possible. They help each other look out for better opportunities, go shopping, look after when you are sick…any problems – financially, heartbreaks, your mother is sick, your sisters marriage…you name it…they will be there to support however they can.

In other words, be there for you when you need them.

And when your better half comes into the group, they become a part of the family or friends, as I should put it.

I don’t know if this is an exception but I do wish I was a part of such a class….definitely jealous but all I could wish this group the very best and continue to be a part of all of their friends for eternity.

Hats off to you guys!!!!!

Life in office with your boss …

2008-05-22T13:15:00.000+05:30

Option 1: when sir comes to office….

Morning as usual, hoping he will not come. Around 10 to 10.30am, the office all of a sudden seems hectic and more silent.

Then the heart breaking wait for his call….”To the cabin for discussion”.

Then the world breaks apart…..my notes, the printouts……

Then the disaster strikes……the plotter gets scared of me (or maybe the boss gave it a heart attack) and dies off….

Finally ready with my arms….I realize someone else is there for a discussion…..then comes a long, frustrating wait during which I find all the dumb mistakes in my drawings……….and then start running behind that …..

Finally when sir is free…I am still running for my prints….

In the lion’s lair, on the edge of my nerves, my drawings are put forward…

Oh no! I still find the same old mistakes…..as if on cue, sir points it out with his special comments…..I listen to it with a sympathy for my self, ready to kill the person for the mistake….

But alas, after the visit…all I can give them is a weak smile….having survived another day in office.

Option 2: when sir comes to office and we are having a presentation………….

Morning as usual, hoping he will not come. He comes and is busy with his other projects… a deep breath and fall back into the usual routine…..

Phone calls asking for drawings……oh that…..that’s already sent it or its ready (while thinking…how to finish it off)

Lunch (the boring hostel food)……

Phones and clients and drawings and……

The call…. ”To my cabin for discussion”………………………………………….

My printouts…..where were they??? My note pad……my drawings….the file…..oh dear…..the plotter….dead again…take this print… do this…do that…take it now…..call up the sys admin….

Sir impatient……getting furious…..finally someone else gets into the cabin……

A deep sigh and then the re-run all over again….

The lions lair again….the cold air chilling your already chilled heart to ice….too frozen to even beat…..

The drawings are spread out…..the eagle eyes look into the drawings….try to hide up the mistakes…. I get the glare and the frustrations…..”How come you keep on doing the same mistake all the time……when will you correct this…..?

And then comes the yoker….

How much was the FAR (for those who have no idea what an FAR is…..it is a calculation of how much area is possible in a plot)…

Poor in mental arithmetic, I smile sheepishly….no idea…..then come the next round of soothing words….the no. of cars…no idea…..this……that…..no idea…..

Finally sir stares at the sheet…pulls a pencil and a butter sheet…..and starts of designing….this is the best part…..he is so silent and actually starts singing….I just have to sit and wait for him to finish the design….

Design over….way past office time…he drops another bomb shell…presentation tomorrow…..finish off the drawings quickly….my team is ready to kill me……run from one seat to another…from one system to another….time passes off not even wasting a sec…..

Finally all of them drop me to the hostel…. And early morning runs off to office….work done but still in a mess…..and sir comes to office much earlier….

Show me the drawings…why are you hiding from me……(I was literally moving away from his line of vision, when the cursed phone rings)….sir, the drawings are not done yet…….what do u mean by not done…..I have a meeting today and you tell me not done…..start running

Prints….mistakes…half baked drawings……

The scene replays all over again…but this time sir comes up with more and more changes……..

Running and running…..mess up with all the calculation….sir yells….lose my head every now and then…..

Presentation luckily postponed…..

Finally presentation time……12 hours before, another demand…..I need colored drawings…not black and white….no color printer…..another big mess and night outs….(in hostel of course)……

Finally presentation….he goes off with the sheets to come after few days with corrections…

If the presentation is out of town…….don’t ask…….he will be up waiting for the drawings…….

And the details and sheets will never be enough…..he gives you a call very early in the morning…….this…this and this also…..early morning you will be running from home to office…..

Any mistakes……..he will scream at you from home…..all you have to do is slightly shift the ear away from the phone……..

Well this was a tribute to sir and my office….

I am now busy writing this in his office only because he is on a vacation………

I would love to have a vacation myself….but now….this is my way of entertainment in his office at his own expense.

Sorry…..but this is what I enjoy the most.

Option 3: when sir DOES NOT come to office….

Life is so blissful when he is not here………

So peaceful, one cannot believe the amount of work which either gets done or thrown off….

Sad but very true…..so many projects awaiting final decisions……who cares (other than the clients…sorry….but that is what we are)…..

Like what I was doing now…..sitting with my system on…..acting as if I am doing a real tough design….(we have 24hr surveillance in here)…..sleep slowly coming over my eyes…luckily the camera is behind my back…….

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……………………………………………………………..

I am really very bored now……Sirji ……I really miss you….I am actually bored without work……..

But boredom can sometimes be worthwhile……..

a beginning...

2008-04-13T11:36:00.000+05:30

A new beginning to what i have been trying to do for quite some time......lets see how far we can go.....